the way your eyes lit up

when we shook hands and said “hello” for the first time

the way you hung onto my every word

it didn’t matter what i said

i wonder if you even knew what i was talking about

it became apparent that you didn’t very quickly

when you responded inappropriately to something i said

granted it was a joke

that you didn’t get

but maybe if you’d been paying attention to my words

Shoot. I had to come here to jot all this down so I can move on with my day and my life. The cars on the train running through my brain today are filled with bachata, hypothetical relationships, regretful conversations, procrastinations, and salsa mostly. And Jesus. Always Jesus.

FOLLOW ME if you’re new to this blog!!!! My name is Velvet and I write posts on poetry, life, love, and Jesus! ❤

So now that I’m writing this blog, I can refocus. It’s 1:15pm and I’m ready to channel my thoughts and energy into making a video about why people should read the bible.

Hahah the human mind is so crazy. I can be thinking about so many things at once. But thinking and focusing are two different animals. Time to focus.

Focus entails:

-zero-ing in on certain thoughts and ideas and expanding only them

-compartmentalizing (a word I learned from mi padre) other thoughts (and feelings) into boxes

-defining a goal

-wholeheartedly pursuing that one goal

So. All that being said, I choose to zero in on:

“5 Reasons Why People Should Read the Bible”

I’ll be back with an update later and a link to the video…!

xxx ❤

V

https://www.youtube.com/skizarefun09/

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how to live intentionally

happy vernal equinox!

today is the first day of spring. today is the beginning of a new season. today is a new opportunity to shed light on the things that God wants me to do.

prioritizing.

focusing.

living intentionally.

i have had things on my mind for quite some time:

-writing my book

-producing videos

-working on more music

three things which I often put to the back burner. i do make time for blogging, but that’s about the extent of my writing these days. i have let distractions take over (such as cute men) and have to make a decision:

am i going to pursue dating and relationships, or am i going to pursue using my gifts and talents in my creative endeavors? both are very time consuming. but if i make a conscious decision about which one im going to pursue, i will have more focus.

and what about punctuation and capital letters

maybe i should start being less lazy in my typing

tho sometimes when i’m writing poetry i think the lack of proper punctuation adds something to the text

though in general, perhaps it’s better to use punctuation

in this era of rapid messaging i definitely let my proper punctuation slip to the wayside. it takes too long

it’s a little unnecessary

people understand what you’re saying

but perhaps i’ll try

anyway.

HOW TO LIVE MORE INTENTIONALLY

I think I should at least give focusing on my creativity a try at any rate. Haven’t done a lot lately, yet still complain that I “wish” I could.

Funny since the only person stopping me from succeeding is MYSELF.

Mmk, wake-up call.

I’m going to go film a video now.

Ps. Check out my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/skizarefun09

 

❤ ❤ ❤

V

 

the cost of light

light is costly. light is risky. light reveals dark things in dark places.

casting a light on things and people and situations and elephants in rooms.

light overcomes darkness.

light is always better than darkness.

king Solomon wrote this in Ecclesiastes.

 

“I saw that wisdom is better than folly, just as light is better than darkness.”

Ecclesiastes 2:13 

light is better than darkness.

in Heaven there will be no more darkness. no more night

there will only be light, and glory, and magnificence. and Jesus.

God is the Father or light, and there is no darkness in Him.

There is no shadow of turning with Him. AKA if God were spherical, like a planet, there would be no shadow when He turned. Because He is 100% light. There is nothing dark about Him. There is nothing hidden from us. He is light.

And we are called to shine our light before others. And not hide it, but display it for the whole room to see!

Light is better than darkness.

I used to believe operating in the dark was safer. It was okay for me. Because I had things to hide. I was hiding myself sometimes. Things were hidden from me sometimes too, because I was constantly operating in the dark.

I didn’t like it when someone turned on the light because then:

A) they would see what I was doing

B) my deeds would be exposed, however dark, dirty, embarrassing, unworthy, lacking

C) I would be known, and probably not fully loved

But darkness can’t beat the light. Darkness can’t win. When light enters the scene, the darkness disappears.

Since God is light, when God enters the scene, darkness trembles.

Since God made His children light, when we enter the scene, darkness can’t stand against us.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for setting me apart as light. Thank you for teaching me that light is better than darkness. Thank you for exposing the sin in me to myself and working it out of me. Thank you for using me to expose the sin in others! Thank you for using your people as your hands and your feet to do your work and help refine others and conform them to the image of Christ. Thank you for using us to glorify yourself. 

Thank you Jesus, that you don’t leave your children in the darkness. You don’t let us scrounge around, trying to figure out how to live on our own. You know we can’t.  ❤ 

And Lord, the truth and the light is your GIFT. Not leaving us alone to fight the darkness is your gift to us. Not leaving us alone in our darkness and sin is your gift.

Your accountability and guiding of the Holy Spirit, the convictions you enable us to have… this and these are gifts to us. Because Lord, we wage war against the flesh and blood constantly. The war waging inside of us that fights for righteousness and that fights for sin and self is in full-throttle. The warriors that scream “I’m doing the very thing I don’t want to do, and I’m saying the very thing I don’t want to say… God help me”.

 

ROMANS 7:15-25

“I do not understand what I do.

For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 

For I do not do the good I want to do,

but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 

Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it,

but it is sin living in me that does it.

 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  

but I see another law at work in me,

waging war against the law of my mind

and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 

What a wretched man I am!

Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, 

but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”

 

A “slave to God’s law” and a “slave” to the “law” of sin. If you are a believer bought by the blood of the lamb, you are no longer a slave to sin. You are a child of God, and have the power to put sin to death every day. You have the power to choose God and choose morality and choose justice and choose faith and choose righteousness.

Choose righteousness … for it always brings peace.

Choose light…. because it is ALWAYS better than darkness.

So call out the thing you need to call out. Shine a light on it. Call it for what it is.

Stand up for what’s good and right and true. Shine light. Be light. Live in the light. Know your power. Know who you are, and whose you are.

xxx

V

faith is

stepping out on a limb

stepping out onto the water

falling forward

leaping into the water

free-falling

trust-falling

letting go

confessing

admitting

……

knowing and believing what you say is true

focusing on what is true and not feelings

trusting your word and not my emotions

believing in your ways, and not my ways

knowing you are God and i am not

giving up things

not holding tightly onto anything

acknowledging every is yours, and is a gift to us

moving forward

doing the next right thing

being quick to forgive

being quick to love

in things not seen

hoping and trusting in God

knowing you hold all things in your hand

knowing you are all powerful

knowing you are the only wise king

putting certain things on hold

fulling diving into other things

accepting that my way is not the best way

realizing who God is

Lord, I thank you for teaching me to wait on You. Thank you for teaching me to act. Thank you for teaching me how to better trust You. Thank you for teaching me to rely on you wholly. Lord help me seek Your will and Your ways and Your plans and not my own. I need you in every area, O God. Every hour, I need you. Father thank you for growing me closer to you in faith. Thank you for giving me opportunities to hear your word so I can know you better, and better understand your plans for my life. ❤

xxx

V

dear past subject of interest

oh how I used to get so mad.

in this day in age of text messages. the do’s and don’ts.

the should-i-text-you-first-or-wait-for-you-to-text-me

the you-waited-fifteen-minutes-to-reply-so-i-must-also-wait-fifteen-minutes-so-as-not-to-appear-more-interested-than-you-or-desperate-or-too-available

by golly

I used to sit around and wait for your reply. And then when I would get it, I wouldn’t send one back. Not until enough time had passed. I wanted to seem apathetic about the whole thing. Like I didn’t really care whether I heard from you or not.

but oh how I cared.

apathetic? more like pathetic

ya.

texting. what a wonderful, terrible invention. a convenient, terribly inconvenient platform for the control freak who’s pursuing a relationship.

with text messaging, and phones in general, we have direct 24/7 access to whomever we want to talk to; be it on social media, texting or calling. (if that person has a (smart) phone or social media or whatever, smarty pants. 🙂

so this dilemma is created where we can talk to people when we feel like it. and if we don’t feel like it, we don’t have to respond. and then there’s the games. the i’m-going-to-throw-this-person-a-proverbial-bone-to-keep-their-interest-so-as-to-feed-my-ego-when-i-see-fit

until of course, the recipient figures out the underlying intentions of the sender’s messages and wisens up (AKA stops replying). or better yet, somehow turns it around on the sender so as to give him/her a taste of their own medicine. but truly narcissistic, egotistical sender’s won’t care if the recipient responds or not because they have more than likely sent out more than just one message to one recipient, but many messages to many poor, hungry-to-be-loved-and-striving-for-affection-and-attention sort of folks.

so. why do we do this? i would say options. we all like to have options. and convenience. it’s highly convenient to send out a text to someone. takes very little effort yet can mean a lot to one person and very little to another. plus, nobody wants to die alone. some people have a hard time being alone for an extremely short amount of time; and present technology contributes to this “issue”. y’all have probably heard of the concept of how our “connected” world is more disconnected than ever before because everybody’s “plugged in” online and on their phones, but interpersonal relationships are suffering and being pushed to the back burner. conversational skills are going down the tubes and it’s becoming easier and easier to isolate ourselves from other people.

this is not normal, btw

it’s not how we were designed to live and be

we were designed to thrive in community with others

but i digress

this post was supposed to be about my ex-fake-half-assed-suitors

sigh.

i have met a fair share of real men who are willing to put their hearts on the line and be vulnerable when it comes to pursuing a lady. men who are willing to risk calling a “date'” a date. and not “hanging out” or some other form of copping out of committing to vulnerability.

love is messy. can we just agree about that

but I love C.S. Lewis’s quote about it:

““To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

 

ahhhh. beautifully said. applause. applause. ❤ ❤ ❤

I think I must end there.

Be vulnerable, people. Be willing to put yourself out there and LOVE. Love BIG! Each moment is a gift from our sweet Lord…. and there’s no telling when the end will come for any of us. Not to be dark, but it’s reality. So LOVE

Always love.

xxx

V

midnight

is it really though

“mid” night

usually middle of the night is like 3 a.m.

weird cuz we sprung all the clocks forward

i like how my electronics will do that for me

and it doesn’t exactly feel like 12

since my body thinks it’s 11

why the time change, oh why

time to switch things up i guess

always a good thing to do

keep everyone on their toes

idk

maybe it’s not such a good thing

guys I’m freakin’ exhausted

I’ve been snacking like a bear before hibernation

why? you ask

same reason i ate half a dozen cookies five years ago right before going to a potluck and when my friend asked me if i was hungry i said “no” because i had eaten six rather large cookies and she said “why” and i said “i dont know, cuz they’re tasty” but really it’s lack of self control

good news is

Jesus rose from the dead

also

i have a lot more self control now

hahaha

yo for real though. fo reals

self control, like patience, is something that we grow in as christians.

just like all the other fruits/AKA results of the Holy Spirit indwelling believers.

we grow in love

we grow in peace

we grow in joy

we grow in faithfulness

we grow in gentleness

we grow in kindness

we grow in goodness

we grow in patience

we grow in… self control

praising Him for growing me in all nine of these areas slowly but surely day after day

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my boss told me about an old friend that he once had who trained squirrels to eat snacks out of his hand

HAHAHAHA LMBO

I just died laughing actually. cuz that sentence is a tad bit funny 😛

anyway, my boss said “i could never be a squirrel trainer cuz I don’t have the patience for that”

and i was like yoooo so many things are jacked up about that sentence

hahaha

but i responded “patience is something we are hopefully growing in, so i’m sure you could train squirrels eventually if you really wanted to”

lol 🙂

he didn’t seem like he had considered that

he was trying to own the persona of “i’m an impatient person”

ladies and gents, let’s not let this be an excuse for acting out or acting up. taking anger out on other people. if you’re a Christian.

and even if you are not a christian, realize that our patience is tested so that we will become more patient. God wants us to grow more like Christ and live the best possible life that He designed for us including loving other people properly by being patient with them!!!! i know it’s not easy sometimes, but it’s always worth it

be patient, be kind, be loving all the time

hard, i know.

easy? to preach. to speak. to advise others.

just remember, never pray for patience. God will answer that prayer 😀 😀 hahaha 😉 ;P 😛

only joking.

ask for it

it’s a great way to live

okay

I really must go to bed

I got distracted cuz I totes just won a contest on facebook!!! hoorrrrrrrrrrrrayyyyyy I won a free bachata t-shirt and 2 free entries into 2 upcoming dancing events! I am pumped. yusssss

all because I advertised for my frands dance company…. they are the bomb. such good people. and I’m so glad I was motivated to advertise for them and tag a bunch of peoples who have never been dancing! heck yea!

sooooo

on that note

I was gonna tell another side story but what was it…

OH YEAH

it was about an empty cup… and the sound that is made when you drop things into the empty cup. this is a word, so hang tight for a mo

when you drop things that are not of substance into the cup, the cup will never be filled up and the same hollow sound will be made continually as you drop things in the cup. but if you fill the cup up with long-lasting things/ things of substance, the cup will begin to fill up and the sound will be less hollow.

life application: if you are a cup, what are you filling your cup with? things of substance? or things that leave you feeling hollow.

NEWFLASH: fill your life with the Truth of Christ by building a relationship with the God of the bible. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

“Seek first the kingdom, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added”. Matthew 6:33

Seek God, and He will bring substance. He will bring meaning. He will bring satisfaction.

Oh Gosh. 12:42

NITE

xxx

V

dear somebody

my weakness

is physical touch

so i can’t be around you in certain settings

because I refuse to fall trap to

my weakness

is not as strong as it used to be

but my humanity

has yet to disappear completely

until Jesus returns

I still must guard myself against

my weakness

is to have the unobtainable

to chase the forbidden

is to obsess over the hypothetical

and it eats me

it devours me

when i let the

anxiety

fester and multiply

but i didn’t try to let it

i prayed and waited

i cried out and stated

my desire for peace

my desire to move on

i asked the Lord to give me a new song

a new song

a song of waiting

a song of praise and thanksgiving

a  song of trust and forgiving

a song of truly, fully living

not being shackled by chains of “what ifs”

not being halted by what could or couldn’t be

not dwelling on things I can’t control

but it’s my default mindset to want to know

it’s the in-between, the season of uncertainty

that blurs my vision and traps me in inefficiency

my gears stop turning and i’m fixed on some reality

that only operates in the realm of a hopeful fallacy

but hey

it might not be fallacy

that’s the hope for a control freak like me

there’s always the “could be” that I struggle with waiting for

as I’m constantly checking my phone even though i swore

i wouldn’t for 2 hours but it’s only been minutes

because i convince myself i missed it

shoot i know i must have

and then the other side of me says

naww i think i was wrong

it was never the way i thought it was all along

so i go back to singing a new song

and think if i had been different so would my circumstance

if only i’d _____________________

then you’d have given me a chance

lies i can’t begin to figure out even if i tried

but i do, and i fail

because God only knows

why you would or wouldn’t reach out

since it’s all in His timing

and He’s got somebody lined up for me

and i hope it’s you

everytime

i believe it is

is that a crime

?

i love taken the broken and making it beautiful

believing in things that don’t deserve a second glance

because while there is breath there is hope

and all things can be made new

and the effort is worth it

always, always

even if for a moment’s satisfaction

a flicker of beauty

a spark of joy

.

so the open door beckons

and i go to it and step out

and i think i see you up ahead

i think i hear you call my name

as i get closer it might be a game

as i get closer it might be for naught

but there’s hope

a chance

and if nothing else

we danced a dance

of communication

and feeling out

each person looking

each person wondering

each person hoping

each person waiting

so Lord help me wait. Help me improve on the waiting. Help me not halt my life while I wait. Help me work while I wait. Help me worship while I wait. Help me worship and work. While I wait. Make me consistently faithful and dedicated. Not conditionally dedicated under certain circumstances of feeling loved or wanted. Thank you that You always love me and always want me. ❤ 

Mi maestro

Mi amigo mejor

Mi Padre eternal

xxx

V

the apple of your eye

when did you become the apple of my eye

when did you become my heart’s desire

when did seeing you pay attention to other people bring fire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she doesn’t even like you, I say

she doesn’t care like I do, I spit

I’ve thought about you a little too much and I need to go to bed now

fruitless is this

fruitless

I can see

how so many

get caught up with

the romantics

it’s a lie

that it would satisfy

that cup was never meant to be touched

now you’re spending your life trying to fill it back up

…………………..

…………………

…………………..

meanwhile

you’re so cautious

standing back, anticipating the next move

moving slowly

doing nothing you might regret

saying nothing suggestive

strange

how comfortable it makes me feel

not having to worry about pressure

not having to perform

not having to wonder whether you like me or not

i know you do, or you wouldn’t show up

you wouldn’t invite me

you wouldn’t come

you wouldn’t reach out

you wouldn’t respond

but you do 

and when I haven’t heard from you in a while, I miss you

but then you appear again and I inhale a sigh of relief

 

my lymph nodes are starting to get sore, which is a sign that I am exhausted

I *did* get up at 4:30 in Orlando this morning to catch my flight. It is now midnight.

Lord help me sleep soundly and restore my body. And please restore my mind and heart and make me a living sacrifice for you; not getting distracted by so many and so much. I am Yours.

xxx

V

late night list

unsweetened vanilla almond milk with stevia

70% dark chocolate

my rainbow keyboard

favorite flannel shirt

fuzzy fleece blanket

prospect of sleep ❤

coffee in the morning 🙂

pho tom

working car

$$$

jobs

house

music

singing

hope

freedom

peace

self-control

good relationship with food

travel

airplanes

rest

descansa

el Dios

hoy

bailando

salsa

bachata

forgiveness

love

kindness

reconciliation

boundaries

protection

Bible

Holy Spirit

Jesus

family

heaven

treasures

eternity

Beatles

books

words

outreach

Good News

cell phone

communication

coffee dates

encouragement

ears

hugs

shoulders

legs

walking

skipping

running

laughing

breathing

thinking

reasoning

praying

discerning

trusting

modeling

teaching

leading

preparing

organizing

sharing

loving

blessing

blessings

blessed

bless

more

less

giving

enjoying

serving

employing

rejoicing

ensuing

pursuing

pursuit

goals

opporunities

flexibility

t.v. shows

late night snacks

late night gab

song lyrics

soul

my soul

souls

creation

Creator

create

date

can’t wait

fate

great

fantastic

awesome

awe inspiring

beautiful

beauty

joy

rejoicing

choice

I choose

to rejoice

in this day

and all You have made

and shared with me

what grace

amazing grace

has been given

to a broken vessel

like me

oh God

I praise

thy holy name

my Rock

my Redeemer

Counselor

Deliverer

Savior

Knower

of all things

You knew

me

and I

was

enough

because

your son

Jesus

made me

enough

 

so tired.

goodnight one

goodnight all!

remember when

you were fifteen and i was 14 and we talked late into the night every night

i watched and waited for you to start typing a response

on AOL instant messenger

“A-I-M” or AIM

we talked back and forth every day. every night. for hours. a relationship.

i liked you

you like me

but you were dating someone else

but you were dating me

you were

and we met every day during 2nd block. i had first lunch and you had second lunch. but i skipped part of class most days to spend 2nd lunch walking with you

and you walked close to me

and you put your arm around me

and it felt so nice

but i knew you were with someone else

so there was always that longing

that desire

and we walked around town. and we played basketball. and you bit my arm. ha ha

i thought you were going to kiss me

but i didn’t know what i would have done if you did

but we carried on in this way

we started talking on the phone

and i said i was going to drive to your house

it was 1:00 in the morning.

i was going to get into my dad’s car

and drive it to your house

i thought about it

contemplated it

almost did it

you dared me

we went back and forth

you tempted me

i wanted to prove you wrong

i wanted to see you

thank God i never went.

but i wanted you to do the same for me

i wanted you to drive to me

but you didn’t.

you still had a girlfriend

boy was i thick

talking to a guy like you

who would talk to a girl behind his girlfriend’s back

some of the things you said to me

are burned into my memory

forever

i loved you

you were interested in me

you cared about me

you spent time with me

you complimented me

and i wanted to be with you

but thought it would never happen

until one day.

you wanted to hang out after school. so we walked around in the woods behind the school.

and sat down on a log

and you held my hand

and you said

“Velvet

should I break up with her?”

and

I

didn’t

say

“yes”

I couldn’t

say anything

except

“I can’t tell you what to do”

over and over

that’s all I could say

every time you asked me

I wanted you to know

I wanted you to be sure already

I didn’t want you to blame me in the future

if it didn’t work out

and you regretted leaving her

 

plus you wanted security

you wanted to know that I wanted you

you didn’t have faith

you didn’t trust that I would have you

you were trying to set up a relationship with me in advance

so you didn’t have to be alone

 

we stopped talking after that

the long conversations came to an end

the late nights were no more

sad

i was so sad

but the chase was my pursuit

i didn’t trust you either

i say these things in retrospect but if you had asked me to be your girlfriend that day, I would have said yes

funny thing is

12 years later

you are still with her

the same girl

now woman

and i am glad.

i’m so glad.

and if you’re reading this

I hope y’all get married

what sweet love has grown

with two young souls

so young

but God

I pray

you aren’t doing to her now

what you did to her back then

by sowing seeds

in the wrong soil

attention will never satisfy

the pursuit

the chase

will never satisfy

the longing

the desire

the hope

the dream

the thought

the idea

of you and i

is always more glamorous

than the reality

when the game is called “winning someone”

strange

the stories we remember

on days that the moon is full

xxx

V