dreading this conversation

to a small degree, anyway.

A small part of me. But I’ve known that it’s been coming, and I know it’s for the best. Sometimes a person doesn’t want to put an end to something that is “OK”, you know? Like it’s okay, it’s fine. It’s good. It’s cool.

But it’s not great. It’s not perfect. It’s not correct, or appropriate or necessary or right.

So it’s time to put things to rest. And here we are. The opportunity lays before me. I could ignore it and postpone things until tomorrow or next week. Or I could respond and have the chat that needs to be had. What shall I do?

On a different note. It’s Saturday night. The moon is full, and it’s a Harvest Moon. I could be at a party right now, eating and drinking and dancing the night away. Instead I’m at home. And I’m glad that I am. It’s too easy to get into trouble and fuel my desires and be tempted to waste time. I don’t always want to be busy though. I don’t always want to feel super scheduled and like I have to be productive all the time. I want to be able to chill more. I also don’t want to justify not working to the wrong people. Or any person at all, if what I’m supposed to be doing is working when God tells me to work. It’s my own fault if I am squandering time and not being a good steward of it in general. Only God knows my heart and my motives and my intentions. Only He knows what choices I will make, and only He is able to empower me to complete the work that He has begun in me.

9:44pm

I’m tiyad. Definitely going to sleep soon. Definitely. Hmm

Want to right now. Don’t feel like conversing much. And that is A-okay. I just closed my eyes for a minute or less and now I’m convinced that I could fall asleep right now. So I’m going to.

Goodnight. Happy Saturday y’all.

xxx

V

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fwiday da tirteent

just a fewww minutes left my friends. how’re you gonna spend it?!?!?!

moi? in my bed, eatin’ crackahs. those weird orange ones with the PB in the middle. I’ve never even liked them, really. I’m just eating them because….

I am awake. And one of my clients gave me 5 packs of them because I drove her to Sam’s Club. Hahahahha she was like “can I give you a tip?!?!” I was like nawww

and then she insisted that I take some crackers. So I took one. Then she said “take more!”

So I grabbed another one. And then she said no, MORE and handed me three more packs.

I was like gee whillickers Dot you’re trying to make me fat.

Heh

So here we are. I’m about to pass into the land of sleeping, which will be very nice. Tomorrow is the first Saturday that I have absolutely nothing planned for. I cannot remember the last time this was a thing. Lol

Come to think… I even worked Saturdays when I was in college! For cryin’ out loud, what am I gonna do with my lyfe.

My self

Hmm

I guess Saturdays have always been overrated for me. I kinda do prefer having a day off mid-week plus Sunday. I very well could end up working Saturdays too. Idk

I’m going to enjoy tomorrow though. I’ve already decided. So HA!

I’m sorry. I apologize. The attitude is coming from needing to sleep and probably the orange dye in these deceptive, cheese-less crackers. Okay, they actually do contain cheddar cheese. w/e

It’s the 3rd to last ingredient including YELLOW 6 HA!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW IT

Image result for yellow 6

^^^ yellow 6. The color of fake cheese. hahah sooooo sad

I kinda wish I was dancing right now. Hopefully tomorrow night I’ll go dancing. My frand is having a pizza/dancing party. SOooooo yeahhhh hopefully I’ma go to that. I might wait and decide to go after talking to another friend who apparently has a lil drama possibly regarding the party. Sigh. We shall see.

But yeah, tomorrow I’ma drink coffee and have my quiet time. Relax. Maybe go to prayer at church. Come home and reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeadddd ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Play some guitar. Dang it. Just remembered I left my guitar in my car. I’ll get in en la mañana. It’s fine. The weather actually…. hmm well I was gonna say it ain’t too bad, but it’s actually vurr humid out there. 74ish degrees, which I LOVE, but still super-humid.

And den after dat, maybe I’ll go swimming. Or for a hike. It’ll be 83 degrees tomorrow. Not bad.

oook I gots to go to bed now. Now that I’ve spent the last 45 minutes scrolling through facebook profiles from people from college. ughh.

People that used to really like me. Now I don’t know how they feel about me since I’m a JESUS FREAK. But oh well!

I wouldn’t trade the world or anyone in it for my relationship with the Risen King.

And I pray that you get to know him too.

GOODNIGHT

xxx

V

goofy tired

goofy

what an interesting word

I just looked up the etymology and several references say that it originated from the word “goff” which was used in the 1500s for “fool”. I guess I’ll still say I’m “goofy tired” even though “fool” tends to have a negative connotation. Though if you had just seen me you would surely call me a fool anyway.

Or a weirdo, at least 😀

Just that slap-happy laughing-too-hard-at-everything kinda tired. And then right before I left work I pulled my shirt up over my nose while my client was talking and she slowed down in her speech and said “uhhhhhh” and I busted out laughing and was like “on that note, I gots to go ahhaha”.

Crazy mon

Dis is why I’m in my bed right meow. 10:50pm, time to SLEEP. I’m excited to wake up tomorrow, drink coffee, eat sprouted bread and butter, and read the Acts of the Apostles. BSF just started up and I’m super excited to delve into the book of Acts. It’s gonna be a great year!

God is working.

Hope y’all have a super night. SuperNight. It’s supposed to be a fool moon soon I think? Hehe okay, full.

 

GUYS GUYS I JUST LOOKED UP THE FULL MOON SCHEDULE

IT’S GOING TO BE A FULL HARVEST MOON THIS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14TH!

I’m PUMPED. Yasss pleassseeee. I kinda want to camp at the beach. And go swimming. See the bio-luminescence ❤ ❤ ❤

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

If you don’t know what that is, think Life of Pi: 

https://www.filmcomment.com/blog/life-of-pi-ang-lee/

I’m serious

The water lights up like this. It’s amazing. Simply amazing. Magical. Dreamy. It makes me want to cry. God is such an amazing creator!

Sigh.

I could go on and on, but I gots to sleep.

Have a great night everyone! Tomorrow’s Friday!

I’m usually not excited about Fridays because I’ve been working Saturdays for so long, but now I have Saturdays off…. EEEEEEKk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s gonna be interesting……..

Okay. Goodnight!

xooxoxoxoxo

V

vaguely attending a funeral

I’ve been trying to attend a funeral for three days now.

Haven’t gotten around to it yet.

So far I’ve managed to conjure up the thought… contemplate what the service will be like… pick out my outfit.

The location hasn’t been established though. Nor has the length of the service.

The music is yet to be determined… I haven’t gotten any flowers, and am not sure if I will.

I mentioned the funeral to a couple of close friends over the last couple of days and they assured me that I was being too hard on myself.

You don’t need to beat yourself up over this.”

I’m not trying to.

It’s not sad.”

Sure seems sad.

When I choose to think about what went down anyway.

A disappointment I guess. One among many. Why did I choose to break down over this one? Sleep deprivation definitely had something to do with it.

Spare me. Spared you.

Sparingly was the goodbye gesture we shared

Sparingly could describe the time we spent together when we look back at it later on.

“We”

I’ve never liked the word “we”

I guess because it’s risky… to categorize yourself with another person and hope they don’t mind. Hope they don’t cringe and shudder. Hope they aren’t offended that one is speaking on their behalf. On both behalfs. Are two behalfs a be-whole?

Better than an a-hole

Haha I’m sorry. It’s rude to be crude

and I’m starting to exude a deluded attitude

about the WHOLE thing

that’s what happens when you dwell

when you sit and spin and think

every which direction things could’ve gone in a blink

it was a tiny, living thing that you and I were carrying

and then we both laid it to rest

there’s that “we” again, but it’s best

I guess

though I know and I realize that it was this tongue and these eyes

that spoke the words and saw you hear

the reality of what can’t be and shouldn’t be

according to the Powers that be

my God called me to a holy life

a set apart life

sometimes seems a lonely life

but He’s shown me that when I withhold my desires

He pulls out the bellows and throws kindling on the fire

He huffs and he puffs and he stokes all the coals

of my dreams

of my desires

of my needs

of my goals

“Don’t trade it” He reminds me

“I’ve made something for ya”

He walks towards the kiln and He pulls out a box

a hand-crafted, fire glazed one-of-a-kind box

and inside it is treasure that only I can see

that only matters to me

He knew what they’d mean to me

He always knows……. don’t you see?

I wish I did, wish I could see

though the more I run to Him, the more He reveals to me

.

So this funeral service though.

I never actually had it

He doesn’t want me to have it because I have no reason to be sad

a seed has died

and now it is able to grow

it fell to the ground

after being suspended in mid-air

and now it’s buried underneath the soil

and putting down new roots

I looked for your name. That was it. And I finally saw it. I saw it and I was glad. I pray that you are putting down new roots. I know I am. God doesn’t want me to settle. If it were up to me, I would have though. My mind told me that it wouldn’t be settling. God told me trust Him. Trust Him with my whole heart. Not 50% of it. Not 90% of it. 100. 100% of my heart is required of me. Lord teach me to give it to you…. all of it. To entrust it to YOUR garden. Your growing plans. Your seasons. Your fruit. You will yield my fruit in season. Amen. 

xxx

V

 

God’s way

It’s hard doing things God’s way. It just is.

The christian life calls for death to self. It’s hard to live in a culture that promotes self-love and being self-focused, a “self-made man”, independence, and making your way to the top. It’s hard to go against our nature of self-centeredness.

Lord, when my mind’s default setting is me-focused, I am constantly fighting back my will and my desires of the flesh. Velvet says “I want to be in a relationship and wish it didn’t have to be a christian one”. Yet your word teaches me that I am not to be unequally yoked. In other words, the person I marry will be a christian. Sure, I could choose to marry a non-believer, but why would I; when your word says:

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.” Psalm 1:1-3

When I delight and meditate on your law, you bless me, and whatever I do prospers. Lord, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to do any of it. But you do. And I’ve seen your blessings. I’m experiencing them right now. You have been SO good to me, and you continue to be. I don’t worry about money or my home. I don’t worry about finding enough work. I no longer worry about being content with what I have and who I am and what I look like. I know I am loved by you, and you have sent so many people to me that love me too. 

Praise be to God for revealing His word and His way to us.

Praise God for sending his Holy Spirit to us to give us vision to see and understand His Word and His way.

Praise God that when we fall, we are forgiven. That when we wander, He calls us back. He graciously calls us back. Lord, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to call us back. But you care. You are so caring. You are so welcoming. You are so loving. You want me around. Despite how many times I leave you. How many times I choose other things over you. Despite how distracted I am. How I place other things before you and ahead of you. How I somehow justify not doing the work you’ve called me to do even when you reveal to me that there aren’t any excuses left. I want to say that I’m ready to work. I want to say I will do the work. But it has to be you. You have to do the work through me. I can’t do it God. I’ve got nothing. 

Please keep me from being distracted. 

Thank you for teaching me what brings peace. Thank you for revealing what things are temporary. Thank you for teaching me that you alone satisfy all of my needs. But I thank you Lord. For giving me good gifts. For blessing me with a good, fulfilling life. 

Don’t let me fool myself God. I don’t want to trade the Promised Land for temporary satisfaction. Please Lord, let me not trade it. Please stop me from trading it. 

xxx

V

good morning.

It’s 9:03am on Tuesday morning, September 3rd… and I am writing from the couch of my new home.

It’s a brick house with lots of space. To my left there’s a loft that overlooks the downstairs. To my right, a wall of cube-shaped shelves with different trinkets on them including a few of my own; games, a framed picture of my young adults group from a trip to Nag’s Head a couple years ago, some candles… including a “pink Velvet cupcake” candle 😉 never heard of “pink Velvet” myself … but when I woke up this morning for the second time my face was kinda pink. Maybe because I went back to sleep at 6:30a.m. and put on a sweater and striped light blue linen pants and bluish-greyish fuzzy socks. I also diffused some “peace and calming” … a Young Living blend that my friend R gave me. It’s the only YL essential oil that I have. I usually order from https://hopewelloils.com/ … friends of family and TOTALLY pure. ❤

Anyways. I’m finishing up my derrissssshyyuz cawfee and then am gonna bike to work. A friend needed to borrow my car last night so I’m biking around a little bit this morning. Which is totally fine since I now live within 4 miles of all my favorite things besides salsa dancing: my church, clients, pool, grocery stores, restaurants, family & some friends. YES

I am so grateful to God for this place.

I will write more later, since I’m supposed to be at work in a few minutes and I’m still sitting here caffeinating myself. lol 🙂

work

errands/grocery shopping

organizing/unpacking/shower?

swim?

meet new client

dance? ❤ ❤ ❤

life is good.

God is good. All the time!

xxx

V

last night in this room

I’m in this bed for the last night ever.

The fan above me will never again cool me at night.

I’ll miss the sound of the crickets outside.

I’ll miss the familiarity of coming home to this address.

I’ll miss the path to my doorway… each slate stepping stone surrounded by gravel.

I’ll miss the big, brown sectional couch with my secretly reclining seat right in the middle.

The quiet. I don’t know if my next place will be as quiet as this. Though I pray it is.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m pretty much done packing. The only things I haven’t packed up yet are my clothes for tomorrow, toothbrush, face soap, lotion. My shoes. Coffee, electric kettle, aeropress, mug. Bible, notebook, pen. Laptop.

Tomorrow morning I’ma get dressed and ready, then make coffee and read my bible.

Then I’m going to clean out the fridge and wipe it down.

Once I hear activity upstairs I may go upstairs to throw my sheets and towels in the washer. I’ll at least bring them up and ask the homeowner if I should go ahead and wash them or let the caregiver on duty wash them so as not to possibly wake up his sleeping wife in the room next to the laundry room.

Then I’ll grab the tiny Dyson hand-vac and quickly vacuum out my dresser drawers.

Then I’ll vacuum my bedroom, closet, bathroom mat, and hallway.

Take out the trash and recycling.

Take a couple boxes to my car. People are arriving at 9am to move me out.

I should get up no later than 7am.

After everything is moved into people’s cars, I gots to vacuum the floor where everything was.

After dat? Grab bike and bike rack from garage. Actually, I’ll probably go ahead and load the bike first thing after taking out the trash so I don’t forget it hahaha

Great.

Got my morning all planned out. Not that it has to go in that order. Just so all of those things get done eventually.

Okay. Time for bed. Now that I’m starting to Google nearby salsa concerts. Hahah def time to sleep.

xxx

GOODNIGHT

V

my last day of work!

wow. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for my next chapter!!!

I’m still living in Virginia, but I’m moving to the next town over. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for quite some time! My other clients are there, my family, my church, my pool, my BSF (bible study fellowship) class… my favorite trail to walk. It’s where I go grocery shopping and out to eat a lot. The only thing it’s lacking in is salsa dancing. hhaha but that’s okay, I’ll drive for that 😉

So. Today is my last 9-hour shift on a Saturday. And I. Am. PUMPED. I’ve worked Saturdays for the last 2 years and it’s always been a hindrance. I’ve missed out on a lot of awesome bonding opportunities with friends, events and festivals, farmer’s markets, weekend trips, concerts. I have taken off quite a number of Saturdays to go home for the holidays, to weddings, funerals, baby showers, missions trips and occasionally a fun event.

But not anymore.

Now this girl has got Saturdays OFF. I already know how I’ll be spending my first Saturday off…. at a SALSA WEEKEND CONFERENCE!!!!!!! Yup. I’ll be dancing all next weekend. And eating and sleeping a little bit too. hahahaha ❤

There are a couple of Saturday nights that I’ll have to work for one of my other clients. But that’s just a 2 hour shift. And only 1 MILE AWAY FROM MY NEW HOUSE. Yup. No more 25 minute drives home at 11pm. Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!

God is good. He is taking care of me. Soooooooo well. And it’s taken all the days and hours and steps and successes and failures up until this point to get me to where I’m going. He has prepared my heart, my mind, and made the way for me.

And now I’ma go get into His word before starting my shift. I have 45 minutes.

Wishing y’all a BLESSED day~!

ps. I got out asked out during my morning walk at 6:45am. The Jamaican paper-boy/man asked if I’d like to go a yoga class with him. After driving slowly and creepily behind me for way too long and asking me if I did yoga, to which I replied “no”. That was the second of three encounters with him this morning. First he did the creepy-driving-thing and said good morning. Then the yoga thing. Then later he caught up to me and he asked what I liked to do in my free time. I said go to church. hahah yo I do spend a lot of time in church. I like to tell different people different things when they ask me what I do in my spare time. Depending on the person, and ASL I will tell them dancing or swimming or whatever. Though serving in my church usually is the first thing that I say… but it’s just funny how I was like yeeeeeeeeeah I’m gonna sensor myself from this dude. He definitely did NOT need to know that I dance salsa. 😀

ANYWAY

on that note. bye!

xxxx

V

it’s been too long!

I’ve tried to write several times lately and WordPress hasn’t been working for me. My post wouldn’t publish, wouldn’t save… I don’t know what’s been going on but as I type this morning, I haven’t had any weird messages pop up saying something “failed” so I’ll take that as a good sign.

Guys.

I am grateful. I am so grateful. I was going through something rough lately but a blazing light has led me to the end of the tunnel. And I’m ecstatic about what’s on the other side.

A new hope. A new beginning. A new chance to move forward and be all that God intended for me to be.

He’s taken me step by step from one place to the next, preparing me for the journey. He’s made the way for me and said “trust Me, Velvet. I have something awesome for you up ahead.”

He wasn’t lion. Though He is THE Lion. The Lion of Judah. All knowing, all seeing. All powerful.

Considerate

Giving

Compassionate

Just

Gracious

Merciful

Father

Provider

I’ma make a video about my situation and post soon. ❤

All I can say is this: even if you’re going through a hard time, just keep doing the right thing, even when it’s hard. After someone treated me badly, God enabled me to have peace, joy, love, kindness and all the other fruit of the Holy Spirit.

Even if someone wrongs you, we mustn’t harbor resentfulness, but forgive them and have compassion on them. My friend said it well the other day: “when we look on other’s that have hurt us with compassion, we’re looking at them through the lens of the One who saved you by grace”.

And God says “we forgive because God first forgave us”. If God hadn’t first forgiven me, I wouldn’t have any reason to forgive anyone. Why forgive at all? Because it’s the “right” thing to do? God first set the precedence when He sent His one and only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for the forgiveness of sins.

Forgiveness isn’t just a “good” idea. It’s God’s idea. He invented it. And He empowers His children to be able to do it. And what a beautiful testimony of His love it is when true forgiveness occurs. Sometimes you have to forgive someone over and over again as the thoughts of how they wronged you resurface. Forgiveness is seldom a one-time thing. Give the thought back to God and ask Him to change your heart and your mind towards that person and help you forgive them. God will do this.

………..

Okay.

This is what happens when I start typing random thoughts before I’m fully awake. I’m midway through my coffee and should probably put this to the side and finish drinking it while I read my bible.

Then I’m going to work.

Hope you have an AWESOME FRIDAY. Last Friday in August. Enjoy! ❤

xxx

V

Expectations

Wow.

It really is all about expectations. Like ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

As Christians, our expectations shouldn’t change. We should be (based on scripture) ever-growing in joy, peace, love, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, goodness, patience, and self control. We should be counting our sufferings as joy, turning the other cheek, living without fear or worry. These are the things the bible says.

If only it were that easy. To trust and believe these things and live them out. It takes discipline. It takes being in a constant posture of prayer and humility. A posture of receiving from the Lord. The knowledge that we can’t do anything apart from Him (John 15:5) but with him, all things are possible (Matt. 19:26).

If we lived this way, I dare to say that we wouldn’t be disappointed. Or at least we wouldn’t live in a state of disappointed. We wouldn’t be surprised at the world and at broken people. We wouldn’t take it personally or remain shocked that a person could be so vengeful. We wouldn’t gossip to our friends and family about how so-and-so offended us.

We would communicate clearly and directly what we want, what we expect from people. We wouldn’t fear people or their outcomes. We would say what we mean and mean what we say. We wouldn’t wait until we’re ready to explode to communicate our thoughts and desires.

We wouldn’t beat around the bush, get stuck inside our heads, constantly overthink everything, justify ourselves constantly when we wrong someone. We wouldn’t be quick to point out other’s mistakes and slow to admit our own… if we really believed what the bible says.

The only way to know what the bible says is to read it. To listen to it. To meditate on it day and night and not let it depart from our lips (Joshua 1:8).

The more we study the scriptures the better people we will become. Because the journey of being a christian is to become like Jesus more and more everyday. That happens slowly over time and only with the power of God living inside us. “Don’t you know you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?” 1 Corinthians 3:16.

The bible helps us set expectations. The bible helps us meet other’s expectations.

The bible helps us communicate directly and not use empty words.

Words words words.

Wordy words.

But what about the Word?

The Word of God is not a book of nonsensical ramblings. It’s the way, the truth and the life. And it’s ours, for free.

Whatever you’re going through right now, whether it’s in your job or with your partner or with a friend or someone you serve with at church or at a volunteer organization, know this:

We are to speak the Truth in love. And we aren’t always going to get it right. We’re going to fall short a lot. We are going to wish we had set an expectation with someone that we did not, and now we’re suffering for it. We’re going to learn what we expect from people as they let us down and only then do we realize how much somethings bothers us. We’re going to try and fail to keep someone’s set expectations. We’re going to get disappointed sometimes, frustrated sometimes, and hindsight is quickly going to become 20/20.

And the good news is, we can move forward. We can move on. We can re-state our expectations, explain what needs to be done or not done or changed in order to meet them. We can confess and apologize and move forward when we let someone else down. We can learn to formulate our thoughts and feelings into words in order to communicate our desires to others.

Move forward.

Move on.

Communicate clearly.

Be patient with people. Think of how long-suffering God is with us as we learn so so slowly how to abide by his word.

Forgive people. Remember, we forgive because God first forgave us. What other reason do we have? We know it’s the right thing to do because he tells us so.

View others with lenses of compassion, not condemnation. Not without forgiveness. Not despicably. Everyone starts somewhere. And we can’t expect others to know what we know. We can’t.

Do you have a good story of expectations and disappointments?

xxx

V