okay, I’m going

Two days ago.

“Okay I’m going. I’m going. I’m just going to put on a bra and my shoes and get the hell out the door. I’ll feel so much better if I just get. The. Hell. Out. The. Door.

And don’t forget the bible. A bunch of young people will be there, it’ll be good. It’ll be fun. I’m only here for a few weeks. I told everyone I’d be back. I’ll remain consistent with what I say I’ll do if I go.

There’s a part of me that wants to stay wants to just collapse on this couch and not get up for the whole night. The part of me that wants to stay wants to elevate my poor right leg and stop the swelling from pounding through the underside of my knee. The part of me that wants to stay wants to wallow in my own pity that it’s been three days since the boy* has texted me. And I’ll probably swallow lots of gelato to help myself properly wallow in that pity, and perhaps put on a cheesy romance movie about a couple that tries to make love happen but life gets in the way.

Sounds like another super-productive night if yask me.”

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Luna the cat, accurately depicting my current state of mind

Last night.

“Why do I have to go to the gym? Oh yeah, it was because I said I’d go. I agreed. At the time it made sense. I had wanted to do some exercise. It would be a chance to bond with my cousin.

‘Marcus might be at the gym when we go!’ my cousin sang as she walked through the door with hands full of her purse, keys, phone and a shopping bag. Oh, joy. Can’t wait to meet him. My affect was flatter than five-day-old road-kill; at the point when the squashed squirrel would need to be peeled off the road. 🙂

I was hungry. I no longer wanted to go to the gym. It was past 7:00PM. I wanted to stuff my face full of quesadillas and hit the hay. Alone.”

Tonight.

The same. I’m the same. We’re supposed to go to a pot-luck but it’s just one of those nights that I don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I’ve been with two toddlers all day and just want to be by myself tonight. But we’ll go. I’ll go. It’ll be FUN! 🙂

Sometimes I just feel like being alone.

–> By the way, pursuing men ain’t the way, ladies. It AIN’T the way. I almost texted this person that I was thinking about but stopped myself each time reminding myself that it just wasn’t me. And I’m so glad that I didn’t give in.

I really believe that men will pursue the women they are interested in. And also, if you click with somebody, you’ll find that you can’t get enough of that person and you won’t want to stop hanging out with them. Not everyone clicks — ese es la vida! <–

Tomorrow.

Okay. Reasons why I’ll go:

I’ll be happy that I went.

I’ll have had some great(?) conversation.

I’ll have met and talked to someone new.

I’ll remain credible and consistent.

I won’t go crazy over things floating around in my head.

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Oh yeah, this

Taking steps is hard… The struggle of being semi-introverted. Or perhaps “human” is the word I’m looking for?

*”the boy” is starred simply as an opportunity to talk about what a “boy” this person really is. Not a man. This person is a boy. And I’m glad we aren’t in contact.

**phone buzzes. Yay it’s him!!!

Only joking. 🙂

It wasn’t him.

Sigh. Love being a woman sometimes.

Much love ❤ V

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